“Irresistible Fraud”04 / 15 / 2017
My debut single, “Irresistible Me” isn’t just a song to me. It’s self-love. It’s empowerment. Unfortunately, for many years it was also totally fraudulent. Not intentionally so, but fraudulent nonetheless..
The story of “Irresistible Me” starts in 2012… I was really, really into this guy. We talked almost every day for months. He complimented me often, but told me that he was not interested in a romantic relationship. He just wanted to be my friend.
What do single people do with attractive, friendly, awesome members of the opposite sex? They date them. So surely, there was something wrong with me if he didn’t want to date me, right?
Oh nooooo! Of course not! 😅 I had lots of great qualities! I could even list like 5 of them! I “loved myself”! “Can’t love anyone else if you don’t love yourself first,” right?… So I started writing this song, as a “pick me up”:
“Loving all that I see
When I’m looking at me
Just high quality
You might not agree
That’s alright with me
I can’t help but be
…But I continued to talk to this guy daily for a few more months, hoping that he would eventually change his mind and see my value. 😔 Irresistible Fraud.
It wasn’t until he finally told me what was “wrong with me” that the song started to develop real meaning. I realized that what he thought were my “flaws” were things that I actually liked about myself. I knew that his opinions didn’t detract from my value. So I let my lyrics minister to me and finally let him go.
2013, I thought I was ready to release “Irresistible Me”, but after getting professional feedback, I realized that I wasn’t doing my song justice:
“Favorite jeans, favorite clutch and my pearls…
And the shoes that make me feel like I’m on top of the world
Finally I know that it’s my time to shine
I know that you like what you see when I’m walking by
I know I’m fly”
Some of my friends really liked those lyrics! …But was “Irresistible Me” really about dressing up, looking good, and getting attention?
Nah.. Actually, that verse was inauthentic as hell. Putting effort into my appearance was at the bottom of my priority list. I couldn’t care less about clothes, shoes or purses.. Those lyrics portrayed my vision of some imaginary confident woman. It sure as hell wasn’t me! 😂 Irresistible Fraud.
I decided to trash most of that verse and start over:
“Waved goodbye to that scared little girl
Now I really feel like I can conquer the world.
Finally I know that it’s my time to shine.
Don’t need your approval anymore ’cause I’ve got mine.”
Now, THAT aligned with the true message of the song! …But I still censored myself a lot in my daily life, fearing that people wouldn’t like me if I expressed myself fully. 😔 Irresistible Fraud.
2015, I started working with my business coach, Jo-Na Williams, and she went IN on helping me work through my need for external validation. No one but Jo-Na knows how many blocks and layers of bullshit I had to fight just to get anything done! Money blocks, business blocks, confidence blocks, expression blocks, spiritual blocks, worthiness blocks, shame blocks.. All separate, yet all interconnected and all related to this need for validation. But I did the homework, made a ton of progress and after about a year, I just knew that I had arrived!
After months of all this personal development work, my project was still very stuck! By the middle of 2016, I was cranky. I told Jo-Na that I was already over the songs on my EP. I’d learned the lessons of my songs and matured past them. I was already confident and authentic so why did I need to keep singing these songs about “back when I had those self-esteem issues”?
😅 Ever had a child tell you about what they used to do “back when they were young?”
Immediately, the Universe shone a glaring light on my biggest lingering insecurity. Interacting with attractive men. I noticed the level of anxiety I felt with one guy in particular I’d been crushing on for years. Whenever I talked to him, I always felt like I was at an interview or an audition. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, look too ‘thirsty’/desperate and turn him off. So I held back until I couldn’t do it any longer... And when I finally stopped censoring myself, it got suuuuper awkward.
Now, “manxiety”, as I call it, is obviously NOT the mark of an “irresistible” woman. So what business did I have placing self-love in the center of my brand? What business did I have releasing a song about not needing outside approval? 😒 Irresistible Fraud.
Fortunately (?), for the rest of the year, I received a gift from the Universe to help me really embody my ‘irresistible’ song: A rejection avalanche! 😬
I really liked a guy.. He didn’t want me.. I was crushed.. 😔
A guy really liked me.. I didn’t want him.. I felt really guilty about it.. 😔
Same cycle.. Over.. and over… and several more times over again.. Every time it happened it was equally painful.
And then.. After trial and error, after digging into my past under hypnosis, after getting back into Jo-Na’s coaching program, and after finally letting go of the bazillionth amazing man that wasn’t ready for a relationship, something FINALLY clicked for me. This year I finally started LIVING the main lesson that the Universe has been trying to teach me ever since I set foot on this planet:
If someone doesn’t like me or chooses not to be with me, I CANNOT take it personally
It’s not about me “doing something wrong”.
It’s actually not about me at all.
Ain’t shit wrong with me.
There never was!
I’m fucking dope.
I’ve always been dope!
I’m very clear on what makes me special and valuable and worthy, and that’s all that matters.
I don’t have to prove myself.
I don’t have to censor myself.
I don’t have to try to be somebody I’m not.
The only people who are welcome in my space are those who appreciate me in all of my glory.
I’m not accepting any less than what I deserve in any area of my life.
Whenever I open my mouth to sing “Irresistible Me”, THIS is what I’m really saying. I FINALLY believe it with every fiber of my being. The days of “Irresistible Fraud” are finally behind me. “Irresistible Me” is now an authentic way of life.
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