My New Year’s Intention01 / 20 / 2018
My coach Jo-Na asked me to choose one word to guide the experience I want to create this year. The word came to me instantly: CONNECTION
What about Progress? Prosperity? Success?
Well, I absolutely want those too.. but most of all and at the root of it all, is a desire for connection.
I’ve spent the past few years peeling back layers and layers of fear:
Fear that if I was fully myself, you wouldn’t like me.
Fear that if you disapproved of me, you would make a point to tell me that.
Fear that your criticism would hurt my feelings.
It’s strange… As an artist, I have a need to express myself freely and openly. When I’m not speaking up, I feel like I have a muzzle on. Sharing my truth publicly is a part of my purpose. And yet, sharing has been absolutely terrifying at times. I’m a sensitive woman. There’s a long list of things that trigger me. I feel things deeply. I’m a crier. Sometimes it feels easier to hide than to be visible and risk being hurt.
In the past, that fear permeated all aspects of my career: My performances, my recordings, my interactions with people, my finances, my photos, my consistency. I often vacillated between sharing and hiding, between anxiety and numbing out. It was so normal for me that I didn’t realize this was a thing until people started pointing it out. It even came up in a recent session with my vocal arranger, Alicia.
“Having worked with me for the past couple of years, how would you peg me? What do you see?”, I asked.
After mulling it over for a while, Alicia said (paraphrasing) “Honestly, Cindy… You come across as someone who is afraid of being taken advantage of. And that’s a block between you and your community.”
Well, if she didn’t hit the nail on the head with that observation! Negative past experiences had caused me to distance myself from people energetically. Even when trying hard to connect, there was still an invisible barrier that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.
I realized in that moment that I will never be able to fully walk in my purpose if I’m afraid of you. I will not be able to communicate effectively if I’m trying to protect myself. The invisible wall that I’d built to protect myself shuts people out, and that’s the exact opposite of what I truly desire.
So now, amidst the pounding of my chest as I type these words, I’d like to tear that shit down. I desire to trust. I desire to connect. I desire to show up in all of my beautifully sensitive splendor and give you space to show up as all of who you are as well. I desire to chat with you, laugh with you, share thoughts, feelings, lessons learned and triumphs. I desire to find common ground with you. And when we disagree (let’s face it, it’s going to happen eventually), I pray that we will do so respectfully. I also desire to give you the biggest hug (real hug.. I don’t do fake hugs) the next time I see you!
My intention for this year is to connect with you. So I am creating more opportunities to do just that, both online and in person. I’ll be in touch every other week to let you know what’s going on, including when I’ll be in your city. ?
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